Incommunicado

"Writing and travel broaden your ass if not your mind and I like to write standing up." - Ernest Hemingway

I'm going to be incommunicado for a while.  I may have some internet access and I'll try to post when I have the opportunity.

Important Question

Source

Affaire de Coeur

"All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name." - Andre Breton

I have been having a love affair with the Eiffel Tower. 

I've been crossing paths with pictures of it all over the place lately and saving them.  Going back later to gaze longingly...

I went to Paris once in my early 20's.  I had no interest in Paris, or any part of France, for that matter.  I only went because my travel companion really wanted to go.

I fell in love.  I fell in love with the city and the people.  But, since it wasn't my part of the trip, my friend chose the places we visited and things we did.  She, like me at the time, wanted to stay away from the "tourist attractions".  So, much to my continuing regret, we took a pass on places like The Louvre, Champs-Elysees, and...La Tour Eiffel - The Eiffel Tower.

This is as close as we got:

Regrets.  Someday I'll go back to Paris and erase this particular regret.

Stand Up Straight!

 “Good posture and an attitude let you get away with anything.”  - Lorna Landvik, Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons

It has been five weeks since I started logging my weight "loss" on my blog.  The only problem is...there isn't any actual loss.  This wednesday, I was exactly the same weight as I was 5 weeks ago.  There was some fluctuation, but I'm back where I started.

I guess it's time to start the next effort in changing my life.  I am walking 3 times a week and bringing healthy lunches to work.  Obviously, I need more.  But what to do?

I've decided to start working on my posture.  The only time I ever had good posture was when I was sitting on the back of a horse.  Except I haven't ridden a horse since my car accident.

My mother was constantly trying to get me to pay attention to posure.  "Sit up straight!"  "Don't slouch!"  Stubborn teenager/tomboy that I was, I had to do the opposite.  The more she commented on my posture, the worse it got.  (Wait!  Could I possibly be admitting my Mom might have been right about something?  Shhhh!  Don't tell her I said that!  Never happened.)

Source

I've decided on posture because it goes toward several things I'm trying to accomplish.  I'm trying to be more feminine and what is more feminine that "proper" posture of the book on head variety? 

Posture is a huge factor in my neck pain levels.  Bad posture agrivates my condition.  The more you round your shoulders, the shorter those muscles become, so over time, it becomes even harder to stand up straight.

And weight loss.  To improve posture, one has to imrpove the muscles in the back and core.  To improve muscles, one must exercise.  Weight loss by default.

I searched many web sites and found Spark People had a simple, yet comprehensive article about improving your posture with exercises and other tips.  Although I have to suggest one I didn't see mentioned.  Pull your keyboard closer. 

Every site mentions sitting at a desk all day as a major factor in bad posture, chair postion, hight in relation to desk, but none seemed to mention keyboard postion.  I tend to keep my keyboard prety far from the edge of the desk, which makes it nesessary for me to reach forward, thus rounding my shoulders.   I'm making an effort to pull the keyboard back toward me, making it easier to work on sitting up straight in my desk chair.

These exercises will be the new tier in my exercise regime and maybe I'll begin to see some results.

The Loss of a Fine Teacher

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."  - Henry Brooks Adams

In this country teachers are a hugely undervalued asset.  They are underpaid, overworked and generally taken for granted.  The truly great ones are the ones who take the time to not only impart the required material, but also take the time to connect with their students and open up the excitement and possibilities of learning and life.  Those are the teachers you remember throughout your life. Their wisdom and encouragement.

I can count on my fingers the teachers that have truly made a difference in my life.  Miss Milke my 3rd grade teacher.  Mr. Babb and Mr. Roberts, high school chemistry and physics.  A few others whose names are escaping me in my old age, but their influences continue on.
  
I found out one of my favorite photography instructors is leaving teaching this semester.  

Ben Stephenson of Wizards International is an extremely talented photographer and a wonderful teacher and I'm sorry to see him leave. 

He brought energy and enthusiasm into his classroom and always took the time to thoroughly answer every question I asked.  In class.  After class.  In the hall on the way to another class.  No matter how silly or ignorant the questions may have been. :)

** Mr. Stephenson, if you ever read this, I appreciate the time, knowledge and enthusiasm you shared with me and the rest of your students and I wish  you all the best. 

I don't have a signed release for this photo.
Please don't sue me...
(For educational purposes only).

Enjoy

Source: Unknown

Discourse of Fools

"Change of weather is the discourse of fools." - Thomas Fuller

 It was completely dark when we began our walk this morning.  Sunrise was at 6:52 and getting later.  So next week we start walking at 7.  Makes for a rather rushed effort to get to work on time.  To look on the bright side, I get to sleep in a little bit. 

And it was blessedly cool this morning.  (relatively speaking that is).  We had an unusually heavy rainstorm on Tuesday which managed to break the heat.  Very rare at this time of year.  Generally, after it rains in the summer, it's still just as hot, only humid as well.  But, I'm not complaining.  It was a balmy 77 degrees at 6:30 this morming.  Very pleasant for most of our walk.  And Tuesday's deluge livened up the spillway at the bottom of the lake, making for some pretty water sounds and movement. 

These shots are from my iPhone, so take them for what they are worth.

Who's Problem Is It?

“We are concerned by the high levels of obesity and low levels of physical activity among elementary-school children.” - Clara Hemphill

"The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family..." - unknown

 

Highland Sheep Pasture, Grantown-on-Spey, Scotland

I sat in a parking lot getting myself organized and idly watched the children out for recess at the elementary school across the street.  I couldn't help but notice that a significant number of children were overweight, many more than when I was a child.

I am constantly reading articles and books about the obesity problem, especially in this country of plenty.  Books about all the things people need to do to lose weight.  The epidemic of overweight children and parental failure to prevent it.

I have this to say.  Rediculous.  All of the blame is being shovelled on the individual.  Its the child's fault that he or she is overweight.  No wonder body image is only getting worse and worse for each generation.  Children are being made to feel inadequate in their self and responsible for their real (or imagined) weight issues. 

Rediculous.  Yes, children, and adults, eat way too much sugar and fat.   But, how does someone get away from it?  School lunches are processed slop with no nutritional value whatsoever.  (Although there are some schools that are trying to change and huge kudos to them) 

You walk into a grocery store and 85% of the store is packaged, canned, processed foods full of chemicals and high fructose corn syrup.  The only fresh food available is stuck way on the end in the produce section, meat counter and dairy case.  And even that is not actually "fresh".  Growth hormones in meat and milk.  Psudo nitrates in the vegetables that not only poisons the food, but the water table with the runoff.

Ever heard of the square tomato?  Round tomatoes are difficult to package and leave a lot of empty space.  The produce industry spends how many millions of dollars trying to create a tomato they can package easily and with the least expense, that will last as long as possible on the shelf.  Chemically engineered, chemically ripened, TASTELESS.

Buy organic?  Does a family on a tight budget  have $6.50 to spend on a gallon of organic milk?

Remember milk that separated?  I read an article that said that the process used today to keep the milk from separating actually breaks down the molecules and the resulting "chemical" is actually harmful to developing children.  And the process to make milk non-fat - turns milk blue.  BLUE!  They have to add back white powdered milk to make it look like it is supposed to.  If you can actually find milk that separates, you can skim the cream off the top and voila!  Naturally non-fat milk.  AND, you can use the cream in that recipe you always wanted to try without having to go out and buy a carton of (processed) cream.

So, when we look at the obesity problem we have, its time to place the blame squarely where it belongs.  On the food industry.  Out to make the cheapest product and the most profit with little concern that they are poisoning their customers.

Cancer, Alzheimers, Autism.  Botulism, Salmonella.  All kinds of medical problems on the rise.  Could this be the cause?

Instead of spending billions of dollars trying to find a wonder pill (more chemicals) to combat obesity and the miriad of health problems that come with it, spend it on helping the growing trend of small farmers and ranchers trying to raise healthy, chemical-free, sustainable and humane food.  Repeal the laws and regulations that make it difficult to impossible for them to sell at a competetive price, or at all.

If people could buy fresh, unpoisoned food for competetive prices, the "obesity problem" would become much less of a problem.

Ok,  I'll get off my soapbox now.

Some books to read:

Its a Sign...?

"The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self-Reliance," 1841

I went waking this morning.  Oh boy, was it difficult.  I missed my Friday walk due to an unaviodable midnight showing of "The Bourne Legacy" (Which was pretty awesome, by the way).  I had forgotten to turn my alarm back on and woke up about 10 minutes before I had to leave.  I made it with seconds to spare, but without having that extra time to get my body awake and moving.  I rushed out the door, jumped out of the car and joined the walk just as they were about to leave.  No streatching, no warm up.  No fun.  My ankles were killing me and didn't work themselves out until about mile 3 of a 4.5 mile walk.

Sunrise is slowly getting later and later and soon we are going to have to change the time of our walk.  Dawn comes shortly before we meet and sunrise is about 10 minutes after, so we still have plenty of light, but it's changing quickly,.

With the darker start, things are also much quieter.  Less people are already on the path.  The water is calm and clear. 

As we were walking and I was staring down at the ground as I breathed and prayed my aches and pains would work themselves out, I passed a piece of masking tape stuck to the walkway with my name on it.  What are the odds?  How did it come to be there?  And why?  Is it a sign?  Is the Goddess calling out to me?  Or is someone with my name just a littler bug?  The Great Questions of the Universe.

As we returned to our starting point, we found the grassy area by the parking lot, in our absence, had been invaded by geese.  It was quite a cacophony of sounds.  Geese don't attack people, do they?

The Invisible (Wo)man

"I am an invisible man. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids - and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me." - Ralph Ellison

Am I wearing an invisibility suit?

I went shopping today.

I rarely go shopping anymore for a variety of reasons, some internal, most external.  I mostly wear clothes I can order from catalogs and don't have to try on.  But, I need new bras.  I usually wear sports bras (don't have to try them on) but since I'm trying to change how I live my life and view myself, I decided some sexy lingerie is the order of the day.

But bras are one item of clothing you really need to try on.  Good fit is necessary and one size does not fit all.


Source: Victoria's Secret

Victoria's Secret, the sexy lingerie capital of every community of consumerism (the American shopping mall), would never deign to carry my size in their store, so I went to one of the major department stores.  Big mistake. 

I was the only person in the department, but the sales woman, a middle aged woman not particularly svelt herself, busily stayed on the other side of the area.  Plus sized bras were stuck way back in the far corner.  And less than sexy.  The dressing rooms were cramped with inadequate air conditioning for multiple bra donning gymnastics.  Fun times.

I finally had to, rather bluntly, insist on assistance and was told with an indifferent shrug that they don't come any larger (excuse me?).  Her attempt at selling me something was a half-hearted poke at a nearby rack, and "sorry."  Apparently department stores don't pay commission anymore.   

This experience is ordinary and has come to be expected.  My mom, who is very tall and never overweight, cannot understand why I hate clothes shopping.  And it's not just shopping. Often, in a variety of venues where I might share my opinion, I am often ignored, if not blatently dismissed.

When I first started gaining weight, I could see the judgement in people's eyes when they looked at me.  But somewhere along the way, I suddenly became invisible. 

At first I didn't mind it so much.  I was extremely shy, and I was embarrassed of my body.  I couldn't be judged if I couldn't be seen.  I had very little self-confidence to begin with so I could hide behind the weight.  It was a mask that kept people from seeing the real me.

Now, that mask doesn't fit anymore.  I'm not the same shy girl I was at 25, but people still don't see me.  Often, they refuse to see me.  In our society, a person's worth is usually equated with their dress size and anyone over an unspecified size is automatically irrelevant.  And our society can be cruel to anybody deemed irrelevant.

So, how does a formerly shy, still introverted, currently overweight woman become visible?

Source: Dove



Kayaking

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" - Anais Nin

Current Weight: 213.8
BMI: 39.1

"What if I can't get my fat a** in the boat?"  I thought to myself when I signed up for the Kayaking class.

And many more times between then and the start of the class.  I was excited.  And terrified I would humiliate myself.

I canoed and kayaked as a kid and absolutely loved it.  So when I was thinking of activities I can do to get myself active again, paddling was one of the first to come to mind. 

Paddling across a foggy lake on a quiet autumn morning...paradise.

Texas summer heat...not so much.  But you take what you can get.

Luckily, fears generally tend to be greater than reality.  My fat a** fit quite comfortably in the boat.  What I didn't anticipate was that my fat BELLY made difficult some of the minor gymnastics required for getting said backside into the boat WITHOUT ending up in the drink.

Once in the kayak, I had a blast.  Things I learned as a kid came back quickly and I learned many more techniques to use when out on the water.

I'll tell you, I'd rather be out on a lake paddling than in a gym any day.  And althought it didn't even remotely feel like it at the time, it was definitely an extensive full body workout.  (one I felt for several days after!)

All I can say is never let fear stop you from doing what you want to do.  I know...easier said than done.  I have found I have many regrets for not doing things I was afraid to do.  But I regret NOTHING I feared but did anyway.

Unfortunately, I don't have a waterproof housing for my camera so these pictures come from  kayakpower.com, the wonderful people hosting and teaching the class. (many thanks to Grace, Todd, Mike and everyone at Kayakpower.com for your time, attention and expertise)

Commercial Perambulations: Or, a Walk at the Mall

So I have not joined the weekend walk session because they don't meet until 8am which for me falls unter the "too d!@# hot" catagory as well as the fact that the lakeside park area gets extremely crowded on the weekends with people much hardier than I.  As a self confessed loner, I HATE crowds.

But this weekend, the group decided to do their walk at a local mall.  I was up anyway so I figured what the heck.

I have occasionally heard of this recent phenomenon of "mall walking" but never really gave it much thought as I rarely spend much time in malls and prefer to do as much of my exercising as possible out of doors.

So, imagine my surprise when I show up at the mall to meet my group at 8:30 and, while it's not "crowded," there are many, many people circling the mall like planes in a flight pattern.

And it was cool (relatively speaking), and, unfortunatley, there was much to look at as we cruised around and around the .6 mile circuit.  Most of the stores hadn't opened yet, but there was plenty of window shopping.  Probably too much, as one woman told me her last mall walk ended up costing her $300!

I discovered I had to often resist slowing down and browsing the window displays.  As I try to be relatively frugal in my attempts at adult financial repsonsibility, I rarely go to malls and try to shop at stores for things I specifically need and keep my impuse spending to a minimum.  So, I found the vast array of wares for sale extremely tempting.  Thank God for my fellow walkers keeping me on the path at a brisk pace!

I hate to say, my physical issues were acting up that day and kept me from walking as far as I had hoped, I did manage to walk 3.25 miles at a better clip than I expected, thanks to the group leader who's legs are about twice the length of mine!

I wish I had a photo or two to share, but the mall prohibits photography wihtin and I do generally TRY to pay SOME respect to rules.

So, here's a picture from a recent outting to the local zoo.

I'm Feeling Better Now

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." - Raymond Chandler 

I'm feeling better now after my partial melt down yesterday.  Today after my walk I weighed myself again and I'm 213.6.  Not as good as last week but confirms my weight is still just fluctuating and not on it's way back up.  Thank God!

I also increased my walking distance this morning from 3.8 miles to 4.5.  (You gotta love GPS)  I am also considering adding a 4th day of walking.  The Saturday group had previously been meeting at the same place by the lake as the weekday group, but not until 8am.  I don't blame them.  I'd want to sleep in at least a little bit on Satudays, but by 8am the sun is up and it is well on its way over 100 degrees.  I am determined to lose weight, but not THAT determined.  But it appears the group has moved indoors to a local mall this weekend, so I may join them.  And maybe if they've moved in for the duration of the summer, I may add that as a regular walking day. 

We all know that weight loss isn't easy.  If it were no one would be fat.  Yet, when we start a new diet or exercise program or whatever, we are disappointed when the weight doesn' t just fly right off.  Or at least, I am.  But it took the better part of 15 years to get where I am now.  It is going to take a while to get back where I was.  (I just pray it isn't ANOTHER 15 years!)

Frustration

"Despair and frustration will not shake our belief that the resistance is the only way of liberation." - Emile Lahud

Current Weight:  216.0 lbs
BMI: 39.5

Argh!  Ever since I started walking and trying to eat healthier, my weight just fluctuates up and down.  I think I'm losing weight and I get excited, and the next time I step on the scale, I'm back up again.  How does this happen?  I have been telling myself, it's ok, it's early days.  But how many months is early days?  I'm already four months into this endevour!  The only splurge I had this week was a soda.  ONE ROOT BEER.  That can't account for 3 1/2 pounds!

How do you keep from getting disheartened?  Its so easy to get frustrated and say, why am I putting all this effort into getting up at a god awful hour to go walking three times a week when I'm STILL going to gain weight?  Why am I spending all this time preparing healthy foods to take to work with me so I don't graze out of the vending machine?  Why not go out and devour a bucket of ice cream?  Eating healthy obviously doesn't do any good.

Ever since I have started exercising, I have not had a steady weight loss like other weight loss bloggers report.  I have been boucing up and down within several pounds.  I trying to be ok with that as long as the several pounds keeps dropping.  In the beginning it was between 215 and 220.  Currently, it seems to be 212 and 216.  (This is assuming that next time I get on the scale it's not more!)

But even if I acknowldge this mentally, it's hard to keep from getting frustrated every time the scale goes back up.  What should I do?  Reward myself each time I reach a new low weight?  What with?  Definitely not food!