Friday, July 4, 2014

The Planet Turns




My friends have been reminding me I haven't updated my blog in a while.  It's been hard for me to think about writing.  I don't know what to say and what to keep to myself.  Tell the truth or spin yarns to make a good story.

I think I choose neither.

Some truth is, this has been one of the worst periods of my life.  I feel like my life has completely fallen apart and yet, the planet still turns, the sun goes up and down, I still breathe air in and out.  The people involved are going on with their lives like nothing ever happened.

I have learned a few harsh realities about the people I thought would be there for me, and when I desperately needed them during this terrible time, they each turned their backs on me, in one form or another.

It's very hard to find out you are THAT alone when surrounded by people you trust.

That's not to say that everyone in my life has abandoned me.  I am extremely grateful to the people who have offered me love, support and kindness in the aftermath.  But even with their support, it is hard not to feel lonely and betrayed.

For now I'm just trying to lick my wounds.  I don't think I feel like writing much here for a while.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Road to Surgery

"You don't make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas." ~Shirley Chisholm


I don't know if the pain in my neck has gotten worse since I started seeking new treatment, or my tolerance for the pain is significantly decreased.   But it's getting harder and harder to get through the day.


It apparently takes quite a while for my herbal tea to build up in my system enough to work on the pain and I will have to stop it again not too long from now, so I can expect no relief from that quarter.  

Yet I don't want to be dependent on painkillers, especially since said painkillers seriously mess with my head.  I can either spend the day in pain or be pain-free and unable to think properly.

Patience has never been a virtue I possess.  I hate waiting.  I have just under 3 weeks left to wait.  Now that I have made the decision to go through with the surgery, I just want to get it over with and know if it worked.

Sigh. 

I guess I'm really up on my Soapbox today.  The pain made me do it.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Three Weeks...


...until my surgery.  I have a ridiculous amount of STUFF to do!

My parents are coming out to help me after the surgery, which is awesome of them, but I now have to clean my apartment until it shines...

I am not going to be able to lift ANYTHING for about 3 months.  That means no major grocery shopping.  So I'm trying to buy all the staples I'm going to need for the duration...I'm only 1/4 through my shopping list so far.

I won't be able to stand at a stove or counter for any length of time so I'm trying to pre-cook and freeze lots off meals I can reheat easily.  (I have a feeling I'm going to end up with more Healthy Choice and Chef-Boy-R-Dee!)

Moving things around - the microwave I'm going to be reheating all these pre-cooked meals currently sits on top of my refrigerator.  No lifting anything (including my arms) over my head...

And the list goes on and on.

I love living alone but on occasion it can be a pain.

I like to be as prepared and self-sufficient as possible, but I'm a lucky person to have friends I can call on for assistance in a pinch.

One thing to be said for the stress of trying to get everything done...

...it is generally overshadowing my fear of the surgery.

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings." ~Jane Austen




Monday, May 12, 2014

Marching Toward Fear

"That man is prudent who neither hopes nor fears anything from the uncertain events of the future."  ~Anatole France

I've set the date for my neck surgery.  June 10th.

When it was something to be done in the future, I had my reservations, but could look forward to all the possibilities of freedom from pain.

Now that the surgery has been scheduled........

I'm terrified.

Less so that there is a catastrophic result, which is highly unlikely.  More that I will go through an invasive surgery and months of recovery only to find that yet another treatment has failed.  That I continue to have restricting pain for the rest of my life.  I have lived with it more or less successfully for 18 years.  But now that I have again sought treatment, I have less tolerance and resolve.  Hope can be a dangerous thing.

On the other end of the spectrum, what if the surgery is completely successful and my pain is completely gone?  I will no longer have a built in excuse for not doing a lot of things.  No excuse not to exercise, lose weight, start a business, go out and live my life to the fullest.  That's a pretty scary prospect in itself.

But despite the fears I am plowing forward because I can do nothing else and live with it.  So, better or worse, I'll deal with it on the other side.

On this morning's walk we were greeted with a smile.

And a mama duck with her ducklings.

Although we got sprinkled on, all and all, it was a beautiful morning.



Friday, May 2, 2014

Surgical Solution

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein,

Hot Doctor sent me to a Neurosurgeon (Hot Shot Doctor, hehe).  At first, Hot Shot Doctor was very discouraging of the possibility of surgery.  He asked me what other treatments I had tried and suggested trying them again.

Not being insane, I wasn't too keen on doing things that didn't work over again.  Physical therapy was months of (not cheap) appointments several times a week that, while they did some good in the short term - think hours - in the long run they were completely unsuccessful.  I didn't really like the idea of wasting that much time on something so completely unhelpful...again.

So he sent me for a series of x-rays requiring my neck and shoulders to be twisted this way and that, and hold....keep holding... 

OUCH!

After reviewing the x-rays, he finally decided the surgery MIGHT help.  Probably not completely but possibly a significant reduction in pain levels.


18 year of pain, slowly getting worse...I'll take it.

I have to finish up some projects at work (my real job) before I can take the time off, so it will be about a month or so before I can actually do the surgery.

The worst part is the recovery.  THREE MONTHS(!!!) to full recovery.  Don't lift anything, including my arms, over my head.  And no photography..........

This better be worth it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Blooming Bluebonnets

“Guys always think tears are a sign of weakness. They’re a sign of FRUSTRATION. She’s only crying so she won’t cut your throat in your sleep. So make nice and be grateful.” ~Donna Barr
 

I went Bluebonnet hunting last weekend.  They are beginning to bloom, but it was unfortunately a stormy weekend.  I wasn't rained on but the sky was gray and overcast and the light was not great.  Murphy's Law and an amateur mistake, I was so fast out the door early in the morning, I didn't realize I forgot my tripod.  I did manage to get a couple decent shots.  I'm hoping this weekend will be better.



I was rear-ended in February and I finally got my car into the shop.  Dealing with the insurance company of the woman that hit me has been an exercise in frustration.  They refuse to accept the bills from the body shop and insisted on sending me a check based on their appraiser's estimate.  I'm hoping the body shop will have an easier time with them because the actual repair estimate is, so far, twice what they sent me.  What a hassle.

 
So I'm zipping around in a little rental car, thanks to which I almost fell on my face.  Used to my SUV, I was expecting a lot more space between myself and the ground when I stepped out of the car.  Of course, I'll get used to that and then get in my SUV again and fall out when the ground is LOWER than I now expect!  The nature of my life.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Post-Surgical Injection

"Let me recommend the best medicine in the world: a long journey, at a mild season, through a pleasant country, in easy stages." ~James Madison

Another injection into my neck on Monday.  I didn't think too much of the fact that it was going to be performed in a surgical suite instead of the doctor's office this time.  I should have.  It danced to the tune of the difference between an office visit co-pay and an out-patient surgical deduction.  Several hundred dollars difference!  Still the same amount of post needle soreness.  And apparently still the same resumption of chronic pain once that wore off.  Not much to show for several hundred dollars.  On the plus side, I did have the same oh so handsome surgical staff.

It's amazing how much junk piles up when you check out of daily life for a few days.  It's taking me longer to catch up than I took off to begin with.  Sigh.

I'm also feeling the lack of morning exercise.  I've found that a walk every other morning does wonders for my daily energy level and general outlook on life.  But I am resuming my walks tomorrow morning. And even better, I should also be able to resume my herbal remedies soon so the pain level should drop shortly thereafter.

I guess I'm going to have to take a serious look at full-blown spinal surgery.



Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Spring is Sprung

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."  ~Doug Larson


A beautiful dawn on the morning walk, pink and gold streaking across the sky.  On the return journey, I notice the trees beginning to flower. Spring is coming.  Black clouds in the background and rising breeze off the lake warn of an imminent storm.  An hour later, my one window with the rooftop view is streaked with raindrops.


Mundane corporate frustrations tighten muscles and aggravate chronic pain.  With another injection on the horizon, Hot Doctor has banned my herbal pain tea (a blood thinner).  I detest taking medication but with the herbs out of my system, it becomes easier to justify.  Too easy, maybe?

Another chemically induced pain free day.  I miss my tea.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

New Year's Resolutions

“Though the doctors treated him, let his blood, and gave him medications to drink, he nevertheless recovered.”  ~ Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

I don't generally make New Year's resolutions, but unofficially, I usually have a few in the back of my head.  This year I resolved to do something about my neck pain.  

I know I have mentioned before about my car accident and the chronic neck pain that was the result.

After 18 years and several unhelpful and unwilling doctors later, if I have to get rude and belligerent to finally get some treatment, I can be a bitch if I absolutely must.

It had been about 8 years since my last attempt at treatment and at this point, I didn't even have a primary care physician anymore, I was so disgusted with my past experiences.

Picking a name from an insurance list obviously wasn't a viable tactic.  So I went to one recommended by a colleague.  This doctor listened, asked questions, and surprisingly, actually touched my head and neck.  She didn't discount or disregard what I said and didn't treat me like a drug addict seeking a fix.

Through her I was sent to a specialist called a physiatrist.  Have you heard of a physiatrist?  I hadn't.

Physiatrist. Physical medicine and rehabilitation physician.

This Physiatrist, whom I will call Hot Doctor, is younger than me, exceptionally personable and flat-out gorgeous.  Irrelevant, of course.

Hot Doctor listened to me, asked questions, touched my head and neck, then sat down, explained what is going on in my spine and said he could help me.  I wanted to cry.  Then he, without blinking, prescribed me some painkillers.  Hot Doctor is my hero.

First treatment: Steroid injections.  Ummmm...Needle in my neck...

Prognosis: possibly immediate complete relief and never need to go back.  More likely complete relief and need to go back maybe once a year for another injection.

Actual result:  Nothing.  After the first injection, no pain relief whatsoever.  After the second...(not quite complete) relief for a few days but back to regular pain by the end of the week.  Psych.

I am not deterred.  No treatment at the time of the accident did anything for me either.

So, that is where I am with this morning's follow-up visit.

Next treatment: Another injection, this one done a little differently to disperse the steroid a little more uniformly between the vertebra, or so Hot Doctor took the time to explain.

On a side note, have I mentioned, the procedure involved a room full of pretty men?  Hot Doctor, along with Hot Nurse, Hot Assistant, and Super-Hot Anesthesiologist.  All male.  I think I like this office.  If you're going to endure pain, you might as well have something pretty to look at.  Is that shallow?

Sometimes New Year's Resolutions give you something to look forward to.  :)


Monday, March 17, 2014

Family Vacation: Scotland Part 7: The Final Chapter



"Nothing good can ever come from staying with normal people."  -Harry MacDougal {Outlaw Star}
 
Finally, the end of the tale.

Inner Hebrides, Scotland


We didn't reach the mainland until after 10pm and it was dark.  We docked in Oban and headed for our B&B.  The only problem was, the GPS was getting a very limited signal and kept cutting out.  We had no idea where we were going.  It didn't matter that we were driving on the wrong side of the road.  This area was built up on the side of the hill with all these old stone buildings packed in with what must have been foot paths at one time separating them.  There was no "wrong side" there was only one side...with parked cars.  

Driving around and driving around, we finally got a signal and made it to our "destination."  No B&B.  My Mom is trying to "help" from the back seat which, tired and frustrated and cranky as I was, was no help at all.  Called the B&B and got voicemail.  I didn't even know the number to the British sim card so I couldn't leave a message.

When I finally did get in touch with the B&B it turns out that most GPS aps don't map their place correctly and we were at the wrong end of the street.  The narrow, single lane with parked cars street.  That dead ended.  After a 15 point turn, was finally facing the proper direction and got us to the place.  The proprietor was kind enough to go stand in the middle of the road.  I would have missed it yet again if he hadn't.

It was a fantastic old building made of stone perched on a hill and beautifully decorated.  Unfortunately I was so wiped out I couldn't possibly appreciated it.  I was still wired on adrenalin and frustration so I took a sleeping pill and went to bed.

Luckily, the next morning, we had a leisurely schedule.  We lingered over a fantastic (full Scottish) breakfast then took the landlady's recommendation of an area downtown to shop for a few gifts for people back home.  (and a token or two for ourselves)

Sea Otter, The Scottish Sea Life Sanctuary, Oban, Scotland


Then we tooled up the coast a bit to visit the Scottish Sea Life Sanctuary and coo at the adorable  otters and seals.

Then back to Glasgow.  We backtracked over much of the same route we took out and I have to say, after days of driving through Scotland, I was able to enjoy the scenery much better this time around.  Argyle and Loch Lomond I think have some of the most beautiful countryside I've seen in Scotland.

After that, it was all travel.  We dropped our rental car off with only one tire damaged from the (few) times I "brushed" the curb trying to orient myself.  I consider it a success not to have removed half the left side of the car!  Overnight in Glasgow, plane to London, Overnight there and on a plane back to the States.

I don't know why I avoided writing about this trip so much for so long, but it is done.  It was a fantastic journey and I love being able to spend the time with my parents.  We used to do family vacations when I was small and I appreciate the opportunity to revive the activity.  My parents are great travelers in their retirement and I love that I can occasionally join them on their journey.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

Mental Block/Family Vacation Part 6

"There is no avoidance in delay." ~Aeschylus


I'm off on another adventure and I haven't even finished recounting the last one.  For some reason I have serious resistance to finishing the account.  I'm not sure why.

And since I can't seem to move on until I finish telling this story, I just kept avoiding my blog.  NOT what I want to do.  And now I have a new story to tell so I must finish...

North Uist and South Uist are connected by a causeway so we toured North but stayed on South.  

Isle of South Uist, Scotland


We stayed at a small B&B on South Uist run by the most offensive man I have ever met.  We call to ask if it is all right to check in early and he said it was fine but when we got there he was on the phone talking about these guest he had, Americans who arrived EARLY.

He asked us how we heard about him.  He had plenty to say about Americans and Trip Advisor, conveniently disregarding the large Trip Advisor plaque displayed prominently in his front window!

Dinner was a farce with this man waxing offensive on politics and religion then got personal when he insisted I state my opinion on internet censoring which of course was opposite to his.  I thought I was going to have to leave the table or get us thrown out when I told him what he could do with his opinions.

We were scheduled to stay two nights.

Kisimul Castle, Isle of Barra, Scotland

The final morning he had plenty to say about how I stayed in my room all the previous evening.

Ferry to Barra and the wonderful Castlebay Hotel.  Such a difference.

We had a delicious Fisherman's Pie in the hotel restaurant.  (I really regret not asking for the recipe!). And a tour of Kidimul Castle in the morning before catching the ferry back to the mainland.

Inner Hebrides, Scotland