Femininity

"A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands." - Lord Byron

I grew up a tomboy.

My mom tried her hardest to get me to be a girl, but I was having none of it.  Dolls?  Forget it.  Ballet Lessons?  No Way!  Figure skating?  I'd rather play hockey.  (ever play hockey on figure skates?)

But as an adult, I have outgrown many of my tomboy ways, but find the habits hard to break.  I would like to be more feminine.  (And secretly...deep down...shhhhhh...I'd love to intimidate men with my womanliness).

Firefly's Inara Serra (Morena Baccarin).  Sensual, graceful, serene, and she can kick ass when necessary.

Fat tomboy = not so intimidating.

Even so, I'm not going spend thousands re-vamping my wardrobe.  Or do some kind of Jekyll/Hyde transformation.  But, a step at a time, I can pick up a few more feminine habits. 

Feminine Goal #1:  Stop biting my nails.  Sounds simple enough.

I have bitten my nails all my life.  (Except for a two week stretch in my 20s.  After two sets of replacement contact lenses, I happily went back to biting)

No contacts anymore.  Should be safe, right?

The actual not biting was surprisingly easy to accomplish.

This time its divots.  Who knew peeling a hard boiled egg would be so difficult?  I keep catching my thumb nail on the egg every time I try to remove a piece of shell.  I ended up with egg under my nails and little divots all over the thing.  An oblong golf ball.

I apparently also have to re-learn how to type; my nails keep sliding off the keys

Don't let me start on my iPhone.  Aargh!

Who knew a foray into femininity would be so fraught with frustration. 

But they look REALLY nice.

Can't wait to see what is in store for me next.

Wednesday Weekly Weigh-In

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.  ~ English Proverb

Current Weight:  214.6 lbs

There is no point in doing this if I don't hold myself accountable.  So I will post my current weight each week - Oh God!... (I reserve the right to hide in shame if I find I've gained more than I want to admit).  I couldn't decide what day would be best so I went with Wednesday because I like the alliteration.

When I started walking 3 mornings a week about 2 months ago, I weighed 220 lbs, and since then I have been fluxuating up and down about a five pound range of 219 to 214.  So at least today I'm toward the bottom end of that range.  And what a way to start the day.

Last year, I tried calorie counting with exercise.  I lost about 20 lbs in two months.  And my obsessively competetive nature kicked in.  Each day, I found myself trying to eat less calories than the day before and beating myself up when I didn't succeed.  I was eating about 500 calories a day! Not healthy at all. 

Then, I hit a plateau and no matter how little I ate and how much I exercise, I couldn't lose a pound.  Frustrated and HUNGRY, I gained back not only the 20 lbs I lost, but also another 5.  Sigh.

No more counting calories.  This time, I'm just trying to eat more fruit and veg, less meat, fresh, healthy snaks and the biggest one, I'm trying to actually eat breakfast.

Breakfast:  Oatmeal or high-fiber cereal.  On weekends I'll have a veggie omelet.
Lunch: Salads.  (No more fast food)

I'm having a lot of fun with the salads.  I make my own dressing and I'm playing around with various oils and vinegars.  Right now I made one with Extra-Light Olive Oil and some really flavorful balsamic vinegar.  And for spices I'm using garlic, oregano and thyme. Sometimes mustard, sometimes soy sauce. Really tasty.

As for the actual salad, I figure just about anything that tastes good with vinegar on a bed of lettuce can't be that bad for you, so I pretty much add a smidge of every veg I have and several pantry items for good measure.  Lots of flavor and substance with not too much calories and bad fats.

Below is todays salad with Green Leaf lettuce, tomatoes, corn, cheddar cheese, sauted mushrooms, roasted red peppers, gorgonzola cheese, deli ham, cottage cheese, mandarin oranges and craisins.  YUM.  I love craisins.  Gives you sweet and tart at the same time.  (comes in at about 350 calories - but who's counting)

I use all kinds of other stuff as well: beans, hard boiled egg, tuna, left over beef or fish from last night's dinner, barley, rice, pasta, whatever I have available.  Keeps things intersting and different, instead of just "Oh God, salad AGAIN?"

Dinner: A small piece of lean meat or fish, I make a sauce for fish with non-fat yogurt, cucumber, garlic and whatever spices or herbs I fancy at the moment.  Goes really well on salmon.  And a vegetable (leftovers of which usually end up on my salad the next day.)  Sometimes I just saute some veggies.  Sometime in the future, I'll share some recipes.

So, I'm not trying to go low-carb or high-protein or whatever is the current miracle diet, I'm just trying to eat fresh and healthy and get my butt out and moving and see if that helps me lose weight, or at least feel better in the body I have.  Wish me luck.  We'll see how it goes.

Curves

"Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided." - Mae West

I haven’t declared a weight loss goal. 

I’m not going to. 

What weight is "I feel good"?

I have no interest in the currently fashionable "12-year-old boy" look. 

(Source: Unknown)

I like the look of womanly curves.  Mae West, Jayne Mansfield, Bridget Bardot.  Marilyn Monroe was reportedly a size 14. 

My ideal weight is "Thank god I can tie my shoes without hyperventilating" lbs. 

I want to feel healthy and sensual.  Sexy, not bloated.

(Source: Unknown)

Isn't It Ironic...

Take a Walk

"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey" - Robert Collier

 At the top of my bucket list is Go on Walkabout.

I have always loved to travel.  And I love to read.  So, its not difficult to guess that I read a lot of travel narratives.  Once of my favorite types of travel narratives is people who went on long walks.  A Walk Across France by Miles Moreland, A Walk Across America by Peter Jenkins, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail by Bill Bryson.  I could go on and on.

Then there are more philosopical books like Wanderlust: A History of Walking by Rebecca Solnit, and one of the most influential books in my life The Art of Pilgrimage: The Seeker's Guide to Making Travel Sacred by Phil Cousineau.

All of which instilled in me a desire to go on my own Walkabout, or Pilgrimage.

The only problem with this dream is I can barely move my portly tuchas from point A to Point B without wanting to die.

Step 1 in the lose weight and get a life project.  Start waking.  So I did.  I walked off and on for the last couple years.  After work, around the neighborhood.  It would last for a week or a month.  Then it would be too hot.  Or too cold.  Or I'd just be too tired after work.

How to remedy? 

I joined a Meetup walking group.  Now I go walking three times a week.  Too tired after work?  We walk in the morning.  Too hot?  Well, yes.  It's summer in Texas.  But we walk at a lake at 6:30 am which is not cool, but cooler than after work.  I'll deal with too cold when the issue arrises.  Don't want to go?  I have people waiting for me.  Its rude to stand them up.

It's been just over two months of walking and, while I haven't really lost any weight, (I've been fluctuating up and down the same 5 lbs) I can at least feel my leg muscles getting a little tighter.

I started out with an extremely difficult 2.9 miles and I'm now up to 3.8 miles and I'm using Nordic poles to work my poor weak and unused arm and back muscles.  I'm just about ready to increase the distance again. 

I'll be ready to go on a Walkabout in no time.

Now I just have to decide where to go! :)

My Story

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." - James Baldwin

I didn't start out overweight. 

I have a hard time relating to a lot of weight loss stories because most of the ones, or at least most that I saw are about people who have been overweight all their lives.  I am in no way denegrating their journey or struggles; my heart goes out to anyone that struggles with weight issues of any sort.  I just couldn't really relate to this type of story. 

Despite having a horrible body image where I believed I was a FAT COW, I was actually a very healthy teen.  I surfed in the summer, skied in the winter and rode horses every spare moment I had.  I weighed a muscular 135 and no matter how little or much (or badly) I ate, or how much I exercised or didn't, I never gained or lost weight.  It was the lack of losing weight that contributed to the body image, along with many other factors.

Side note:  Weight charts should be banned.  According to the accepted weight chart, I should have weighed 112lbs as a teen.  I hadn't weighed 112 since the 7th grade.  And that knowledge was a huge contribution to a perfectly healthy, ATHLETIC teen thinking she was a fat blob.  GET RID OF WEIGHT CHARTS!!!

Fat Cow at 15

Fat Cow on 18th birthday

I never even gained the "Freshman 10" in college despite dorm food and late nights studying with very little exercise.

Then, somewhere around 25, I busted up my knee pretty badly.  I was on crutches for months and gained about 15lbs.  Not too bad, you say.  Nope.  I had managed to lose 10lbs of it around the 6 month mark. 

Then THE ACCIDENT.  My car was rear ended on the freeway but it didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time.  "My neck hurts a little bit, Officer, but I really don't need to go to the hospital, I'll be fine.

For the next six months I lived with what felt like a knife shoved into my back.  The pain got so bad that it was all I could do to get through a day of work and I became almost an invalid.  I'd drag myself to work, suffer through a day and go home and just lie down and stay there.  Though the knife feeling eventually went away, The neck and back pain, and excruciating headaches became my life.

Two years of doctors, physical therapists, orthopedists, accupuncturists, and lawyers later, the consensus was: either learn to live with it or have surgery that may help...or do nothing...or make it much, much worse.  Thanks, but no thanks.

  

Doing anything invited an increase in pain.  No more sports.  No more social activities.  My friends found other people to get together with, even my romantic relationship suffered.  Once you lose all contact with the social world, its extremely difficult to begin doing something, anything to actually live your life again.  Especially when you still just hurt. 

I also still ate like a teenage equestrienne.  And I gained 50lbs. 

In the decade plus after that, I have learned to manage the pain and would even have whole days where I don't notice it.  It never really goes away but I guess you just get used to it.  The problem is, I also gained another 35lbs for a whopping grand total of 85lbs.

So, now I'm a 40 something weighing 220lbs.  (Did I just admit that to the ENTIRE world?  Excuse me while I quietly scream.)

I know.  220lbs doesn't sound like much in the world of weight loss stories.  But I'm 5'2"  That makes my BMI just about equal to my age.  ACK!

Last Weekend at 220lbs.

(I saw this photo posted on a website and cried)

(Source: kayakpower.com)

It only took me 15 year to say SCREW WHAT THE DOCTORS TOLD ME about my physical limitations and handicaps. I'm going to do anything and everything I want to do.  Which is why, finally, I was so gung ho to start chronicalling my efforts at taking my life back. 

The problem is, my weight was a huge (pun intended) factor in everything I do, but I didn't want to talk about it.  So, apparently I had nothing to talk about.

Now I guess I'm writing a weight loss blog.  That is if I can actually get myself to write this time.  All I can say is, we'll see.

Blogging, Part Deux

in·er·tia

   /ɪnˈɜrʃə, ɪˈnɜr-/ [in-ur-shuh, ih-nur-]

noun

1. inertness, especially with regard to effort, motion, action, and the like; inactivity; sluggishness.

- Dictionary.com

Lets try this again.  It is really easy to talk yourself out of writing a blog post.  Who could possibly want to read what I write?  And when you have gotten into the habit of a sedentary life, it is really hard to break out of the inertia.  Work, errands, home, repeat.

I wanted this blog to be all about changing my life.  From the sedentary couch potato to someone who goes out and does all the things she wants to do.  The one thing I didn't want to write was a weight-loss blog.  But I have come to the realization that at the top of everything I want to do, all the changes I want to make in my life, begin with losing weight.

You hear a lot of weight loss success stories that begin with one, huge, pivital point that made that person realize they needed to lose the weight they have been carrying all their life or the will die, be alone forever, become permanently attached to the couch (pick a cliche).  With me, not so much.

I see a picture of myself and think how can I possibly be THAT fat?  I lay down on the couch and can't breathe because at that angle all the fat around my neck is slowly strangling me.  I walk up the two flights of stairs to my apartment and I'm wheezing and gasping at the top.  I want to learn to kayak, but I'm afraid I can't get my fat ass in the boat.  Its a hundred little things that eat at your consciousness and your self-esteem until finally say ENOUGH! 

This is not my life.  What happened?

So, I am giving this blog another shot and want to write about all the things I want to do to begin to live an actual life again.  I am more than just a fat person wanting to lose weight.  But I won't skirt around the elephant in the room and will try to look at it head on.