The Planet Turns

My friends have been reminding me I haven't updated my blog in a while.  It's been hard for me to think about writing.  I don't know what to say and what to keep to myself.  Tell the truth or spin yarns to make a good story.

I think I choose neither.

Some truth is, this has been one of the worst periods of my life.  I feel like my life has completely fallen apart and yet, the planet still turns, the sun goes up and down, I still breathe air in and out.  The people involved are going on with their lives like nothing ever happened.

I have learned a few harsh realities about the people I thought would be there for me, and when I desperately needed them during this terrible time, they each turned their backs on me, in one form or another.

It's very hard to find out you are THAT alone when surrounded by people you trust.

That's not to say that everyone in my life has abandoned me.  I am extremely grateful to the people who have offered me love, support and kindness in the aftermath.  But even with their support, it is hard not to feel lonely and betrayed.

For now I'm just trying to lick my wounds.  I don't think I feel like writing much here for a while.

The Road to Surgery

"You don't make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas." ~Shirley Chisholm


I don't know if the pain in my neck has gotten worse since I started seeking new treatment, or my tolerance for the pain is significantly decreased.   But it's getting harder and harder to get through the day.

It apparently takes quite a while for my herbal tea to build up in my system enough to work on the pain and I will have to stop it again not too long from now, so I can expect no relief from that quarter.  

Yet I don't want to be dependent on painkillers, especially since said painkillers seriously mess with my head.  I can either spend the day in pain or be pain-free and unable to think properly.

Patience has never been a virtue I possess.  I hate waiting.  I have just under 3 weeks left to wait.  Now that I have made the decision to go through with the surgery, I just want to get it over with and know if it worked.

Sigh. 

I guess I'm really up on my Soapbox today.  The pain made me do it.

Three Weeks...

...until my surgery.  I have a ridiculous amount of STUFF to do!

My parents are coming out to help me after the surgery, which is awesome of them, but I now have to clean my apartment until it shines...

I am not going to be able to lift ANYTHING for about 3 months.  That means no major grocery shopping.  So I'm trying to buy all the staples I'm going to need for the duration...I'm only 1/4 through my shopping list so far.

I won't be able to stand at a stove or counter for any length of time so I'm trying to pre-cook and freeze lots off meals I can reheat easily.  (I have a feeling I'm going to end up with more Healthy Choice and Chef-Boy-R-Dee!)

Moving things around - the microwave I'm going to be reheating all these pre-cooked meals currently sits on top of my refrigerator.  No lifting anything (including my arms) over my head...

And the list goes on and on.

I love living alone but on occasion it can be a pain.

I like to be as prepared and self-sufficient as possible, but I'm a lucky person to have friends I can call on for assistance in a pinch.

One thing to be said for the stress of trying to get everything done...

...it is generally overshadowing my fear of the surgery.

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings." ~Jane Austen

Marching Toward Fear

"That man is prudent who neither hopes nor fears anything from the uncertain events of the future."  ~Anatole France

I've set the date for my neck surgery.  June 10th.

When it was something to be done in the future, I had my reservations, but could look forward to all the possibilities of freedom from pain.

Now that the surgery has been scheduled........

I'm terrified.

Less so that there is a catastrophic result, which is highly unlikely.  More that I will go through an invasive surgery and months of recovery only to find that yet another treatment has failed.  That I continue to have restricting pain for the rest of my life.  I have lived with it more or less successfully for 18 years.  But now that I have again sought treatment, I have less tolerance and resolve.  Hope can be a dangerous thing.

On the other end of the spectrum, what if the surgery is completely successful and my pain is completely gone?  I will no longer have a built in excuse for not doing a lot of things.  No excuse not to exercise, lose weight, start a business, go out and live my life to the fullest.  That's a pretty scary prospect in itself.

But despite the fears I am plowing forward because I can do nothing else and live with it.  So, better or worse, I'll deal with it on the other side.

On this morning's walk we were greeted with a smile.

And a mama duck with her ducklings.

Although we got sprinkled on, all and all, it was a beautiful morning.

Surgical Solution

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein,

Hot Doctor sent me to a Neurosurgeon (Hot Shot Doctor, hehe).  At first, Hot Shot Doctor was very discouraging of the possibility of surgery.  He asked me what other treatments I had tried and suggested trying them again.

Not being insane, I wasn't too keen on doing things that didn't work over again.  Physical therapy was months of (not cheap) appointments several times a week that, while they did some good in the short term - think hours - in the long run they were completely unsuccessful.  I didn't really like the idea of wasting that much time on something so completely unhelpful...again.

So he sent me for a series of x-rays requiring my neck and shoulders to be twisted this way and that, and hold....keep holding... 

OUCH!

After reviewing the x-rays, he finally decided the surgery MIGHT help.  Probably not completely but possibly a significant reduction in pain levels.


18 year of pain, slowly getting worse...I'll take it.

I have to finish up some projects at work (my real job) before I can take the time off, so it will be about a month or so before I can actually do the surgery.

The worst part is the recovery.  THREE MONTHS(!!!) to full recovery.  Don't lift anything, including my arms, over my head.  And no photography..........

This better be worth it.

Blooming Bluebonnets

“Guys always think tears are a sign of weakness. They’re a sign of FRUSTRATION. She’s only crying so she won’t cut your throat in your sleep. So make nice and be grateful.” ~Donna Barr
 
I went Bluebonnet hunting last weekend.  They are beginning to bloom, but it was unfortunately a stormy weekend.  I wasn't rained on but the sky was gray and overcast and the light was not great.  Murphy's Law and an amateur mistake, I was so fast out the door early in the morning, I didn't realize I forgot my tripod.  I did manage to get a couple decent shots.  I'm hoping this weekend will be better.

I was rear-ended in February and I finally got my car into the shop.  Dealing with the insurance company of the woman that hit me has been an exercise in frustration.  They refuse to accept the bills from the body shop and insisted on sending me a check based on their appraiser's estimate.  I'm hoping the body shop will have an easier time with them because the actual repair estimate is, so far, twice what they sent me.  What a hassle.

 
So I'm zipping around in a little rental car, thanks to which I almost fell on my face.  Used to my SUV, I was expecting a lot more space between myself and the ground when I stepped out of the car.  Of course, I'll get used to that and then get in my SUV again and fall out when the ground is LOWER than I now expect!  The nature of my life.

Post-Surgical Injection

"Let me recommend the best medicine in the world: a long journey, at a mild season, through a pleasant country, in easy stages." ~James Madison

Another injection into my neck on Monday.  I didn't think too much of the fact that it was going to be performed in a surgical suite instead of the doctor's office this time.  I should have.  It danced to the tune of the difference between an office visit co-pay and an out-patient surgical deduction.  Several hundred dollars difference!  Still the same amount of post needle soreness.  And apparently still the same resumption of chronic pain once that wore off.  Not much to show for several hundred dollars.  On the plus side, I did have the same oh so handsome surgical staff.

It's amazing how much junk piles up when you check out of daily life for a few days.  It's taking me longer to catch up than I took off to begin with.  Sigh.

I'm also feeling the lack of morning exercise.  I've found that a walk every other morning does wonders for my daily energy level and general outlook on life.  But I am resuming my walks tomorrow morning. And even better, I should also be able to resume my herbal remedies soon so the pain level should drop shortly thereafter.

I guess I'm going to have to take a serious look at full-blown spinal surgery.